


spell

by piehunter



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Body Worship, Depressing, Depression, Explicit Sexual Content, Grinding, Healing, Homophobia, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Lowercase, M/M, Multi, Past Child Abuse, Physical Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Postpartum Depression, Sad with a Happy Ending, Self-Hatred, Sexual Abuse, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Survivor Guilt, Verbal Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-30
Updated: 2018-07-12
Packaged: 2019-05-31 10:20:44
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 7
Words: 6,818
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15117350
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/piehunter/pseuds/piehunter
Summary: alexander has been tortured all his life, but his angel comes down to save him.





	1. savior, angel, balthazar

**Author's Note:**

> don't read if you are sensitive to anything in the tags ! thank you !!!  
> don't read me on the fact that it's all lowercase, okay, i started this a year ago and i finally got around to finishing it .

harsh words put me under the spell first.

“he's not normal, _karen_.”

“he’s your _son_ , mark. you can’t just kick him out because he’s not you.”

his father’s voice came back angrier.

“are we going to sacrifice our marriage for a stupid fuckin’ _kid_?”

“don’t talk about him like that!”

her voice strained on a scream, and i heard the echoing slap that started it all.

“you…”

“shut the fuck _up_.”

i heard her sob.

“why…”

“shut your whore _mouth_!” his words were bit out around a snarl, and i curled into my covers, my eyes watering with fear.

i heard my bedroom door slam open, and i shut my eyes, lips forming around a silent prayer.

_please help us. please. please. i'm scared._

strong, powerful fingers gripped my shoulder angrily, ripping me from the bedsheets and onto the cold floor.

i let out a sharp cry of pain as i landed on my stomach, and his grin was full of malice as he launched a foot out to catch on my ribs.

“stop it!” my mom screamed, “don’t hurt him!”

everything was pulsing and throbbing and red, and i gasped for breath as he pulled my hair back and slammed my head into the floor.

my vision was dizzy as my mind went dark, yet the echoing cries of my mom continued to ring in my ears for the days to come.

 

* * *

 

 

i was alone in this world.

nothing to fight for.

i _had_ something to fight for, before she was brutally beat to death.

 _so_?

i stared at the pills in my hand, waiting.

for what? i don't know. perhaps the sweet release of death that i so desperately yearned for to just take me into its arms and remove me from this situation that threatened my life every day.

i wanted this so, _so_ much, yet my hands still shook, eyes overflowing with tears that begged for the pain to stop.

i waited.

and waited.

nothing came, so i decided to take initiative.

i put the pills to my lips and pushed one into my mouth, when:

“ _spit it out_.”

my hands quaked, my breath a soft panic.

“don't do this," the voice was a soft, british plea that still almost shook with power.

“why not?” i challenged pitifully, “what use am i to this world?”

“if you meant nothing to yourself; if you _really_ wanted this so bad, you would've done it already, love. drop the pills, _please_.”

the little white tablets fell from my fingers, tears falling as i curled in on myself.

foreign arms wrapped around my trembling frame as i sobbed, spitting out the pill that threatened my life and resting my forehead on the shoulders of my savior.

“i didn't do anything, love. you wouldn't have done it, and that's good.”

“who are you?” i whispered, voice hoarse.

“balthazar, and i've known you for a long time, alexander.”

i shut my eyes, my mind whirring around the new information.

“and you didn't help her?”

“your mother? i wasn't permitted to do so; i'm sorry.”

i grit my teeth.

how _dare_ balthazar assume that just an apology would fix all of this?

i pushed away from him.

“she's dead because of you.”

“i know. i'm sorry, love.”

“screw you. she was all i had left, and you let her die! i hate you!” i sobbed, moving even farther away from him.

i finally got a look at him in that moment. he had a messily styled mop of hair and these grey-blue that shined with regret.

i quivered.

“what _are_ you?” i whispered, my nails digging bloody crescents into my palm.

“an angel--your angel.”

i paused, eyes wide with fear.

“i don't understand…”

“you don't need to, alexander. i'm going to take you to somewhere safe, alright?”

“i _can't_ leave,” i had the shakes again, “ _i can't, i can't_.”

“why not?”

“who will he target his anger on if it's not _me_?”

“oh, alex…”

“if it's not me, then _who_? he'll hurt someone else like he hurt me,” i sniffed, and balthazar just stared at me, seeing the brokenness in my soul and in the tears that were falling once again.

i was such a mess, but he didn't seem to notice. he just held me close and soothed me until i fell asleep.

if i'm being totally honest, if balthazar had left me alone after our encounter, i would've killed myself. he made me feel safe, and even after only just meeting him, he was the one person that seemed to care even a little, so i needed him to care.

i needed _him_.


	2. the dream, castiel, panic

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> we find out a small smidge of alexander's abuse under his father through a graphic nightmare, and we meet castiel .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mentions of attempted rape ! be cautioned ! :^)
> 
> thanks for the love on my first chapter !  
> these should be coming MUCH faster since i figured out to put the text in the rich text portion lol ! i'm dumb . anyways . enjoy ?

_ anger seduced me under the spell still. _

_ anger flooded my mind as i stood on shaky legs, and i saw my father's face, covered in blood. he bared his coffee-stained teeth that were covered in that haunting crimson that drowned me every time i closed my eyes. _

_ “oh, alexander, you're back,” he purred, pulling me by my hair towards him. _

_ tears filled my wide eyes. why was this happening? why why why why why? _

_ “daddy missed you,” he purred, and i tried pushing back, wanted to scream for my mom and run, but he seemed so overwhelmingly strong that i didn't even budge. _

_ “get away from me,” i sobbed, kicking at him. _

_ “aw, alex,” he cupped my cheek in a faux move of tenderness, “that's not any way to treat your daddy.” _

_ i screamed in his face, trying my hardest to get away from him. _

_ he roared when i kicked him in the sternum, forcing his lips to mine. _

_ i was helpless. i tried punching him and pushing away, but he had locked me in place. _

_ i gave up. i felt numb. his hands removed my clothes, and disgusted tears rolled down my face. _

_ “stop crying, you fucking pussy. you're just like your mother!” _

_ he grabbed my hips, gripping them enough to bruise, and i screamed in one last effort to spook him. _

_ “ _ **_alexander_ ** _ ,” i heard, and i looked over my father's shoulder to see a blinding light. _

_ “ignore them, you fucking fag,” he growled, and the voice continued shouting my name, when suddenly-- _

 

“ALEXANDER!”

i shot up in the bed, tears rolling down my face and my throat feeling as if it was bleeding due to overuse.

balthazar was there, looking horrified.

he just pulled me into his arms, his nose tucked into my hair.

i sobbed into his shoulder, letting my anguish pour out onto his shirt. i was so legitimately frightened and panicked that my breaths came out strangled as i hyperventilated.

i felt as if my father was going to appear out of nowhere. i   _ knew _ that this was all a dream, that i was going to wake up in my father's clutches, yet i still clung on to this mysterious man who saved me.

“alexander? please, calm down,” he coaxed distantly, and tears sprung to my eyes, a shadowy figure appearing behind balthazar.

i pulled away, screaming. i was right. it was my father back to take me from my newly acquired safety.

“alexander, calm down!” balthazar said, grabbing my wrist.

after a few moments, he stood, casting a comforting smile at me.

“balthazar?”

“ah, cassie, you finally decided to come!” balthazar snarked, perching his hands on his hips.

my eyes were wide and full of terror as i looked at the visitor. he had dark hair and an emotionless face.

“why did you summon me?”

“i need your help, obviously.” he rolled his eyes with a flair and stepped closer to the trench-coated man, beginning to whisper to him.

i laid back on the pillows, suddenly confused on where i was. i had never even imagined this place; white crown moulding wrapped around the room, relaxed against the soft carpeted floor, the walls were painted a light grey and there was a large window that rung in the sun’s bright light. the bed was wrapped up in white blankets and sheets that felt almost  _ too  _ soft.

“alexander,” balthazar began, turning back to me, “meet castiel. castiel, alexander.”

the taller man nodded in greeting, and i just stared at him, trying to gage whether or not he was trustworthy.

he had unyielding blue eyes and a conventionally attractive face, yet something about him was off-putting. he didn't emote at all, giving away nothing about his personality. however, when he turned to me, he didn't look down upon me as if i was scum; his eyebrows softened just a fraction and his lips slightly unpuckered, eyes lightening gently. 

“what are you?” i asked, and he turned his chin up just the slightest.

“i'm an angel of the lord.” his voice was like tires over gravel.

i gave him a once-over just one time more, then looked back to balthazar.

“where are we?”

he sat down on the bed beside me, and i jumped away from him, eyes wide with terror.

“shh, calm down,” he held a calming hand out, eyes patient.

i flinched when his hand moved, breathing quickly through my nose.  _ in and out, in and out… _

“alexander… i'm going to put your hand against my ribs. match my breathing, alright?”

my chest tightened, eyes shut tight. i felt him grasp my hand in a feather-like grip and place it to lean muscle. his lungs expanded and collapsed in a regular, though over exaggerated fashion so that i could follow along. 

i gasped around the solid grip on my lungs, collapsing to the floor with a cry.

“castiel,  _ go _ !”

 

my world went silent.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> scream at me in the comments !!


	3. dream, wings, softness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> alexander 'wakes up' and finds balthazar . fluff insues .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aww sorry i'm such a sad child but i do love some softness every once in a while .

a bright light awoke me from the spell.

i opened my eyes. looking down at my hands; they were blurry and shifty.

i was dreaming.

“alexander, are you alright?”

i turned toward the voice, and it was balthazar.

i ran into his arms, tears falling down my face.

“where am i? what happened?” i asked, and he ran a comforting hand through my hair, quieting me.

“some sort of evil has taken over your body. i currently have your vessel on lockdown. your soul is currently in a dream-like state. if i were to wake you…”

i shivered at the grave undertones in his voice, and he rubbed a hand down my back, fingers mapping every knob in my spine.

“i'm sorry that i ever even happened to you,” i whispered, voice shattered.

“don't say that. you're one of the greatest things that has ever happened to me.”

his voice was sincere, although it was harsh and reprimanding.

“then why do i keep  _ fucking up _ ?”

he held me at arms’ length, searching my eyes.

“you've done  _ nothing wrong _ , love; i promise.”

i just hugged him with everything in me, tears splattering on his v-neck.

he hummed into my hair, and i felt something brush against my back.

i pulled back slightly, and i opened my eyes.

there were large, tawny wings that were wrapped around us. i ghosted my fingers over some downy feathers, and he shivered, pulling me closer.

“where did they come from?” i questioned, and he placed a comforting kiss to my neck.

“we aren't in the dimension that we were in before, as we are now in your mind’s dimension, so my wings will appear and disappear here,” he answered against my skin, and my fingers whispered against the base of his wings.

he made a soft noise, and i pressed down slightly harder, making him suck in a harsh breath.

“ _ don't _ ,” he whispered, and i stopped.

“i'm sorry, i'm sorry--” i began to sob, knowing that i had fucked up.

“no,  _ no _ , alexander, please, it's not your fault. my wings are sensitive. i don't want to do anything you wouldn't want. just refrain from touching them without my permission,  _ please _ .”

i nodded, my fingers falling to his lower back.

he smiled against my neck, and i had no idea what he was thinking that could make him smile.

“i'm thinking about you. you're so sweet. you thought that it was your fault. i have no idea how anyone who was put through what you were put through could be so...  _ sweet _ .”

i blushed, not used to all of this positive attention.

“don't you have to go and figure out a way to pull me out?” i mumbled, and he pulled back, looking me right in the eyes.

“i am as we speak. this merely a projection of me for now.”

i nodded in understanding, then fell back into his embrace.

“why didn't you help me?” i asked after a tense silence.

“i was not permitted to, alexander.”

“so… who gives you those orders?”

“upper management. it used to be god, but…”

i waited patiently for him to finish, but he never did.

“but what?” i asked finally, my eyes fluttering shut against his neck.

“...but he left.”

there was an awkward silence before he continued, “that was a long time ago, though.”

i blinked once, twice, then furrowed my eyebrows.

“why did he leave?”

“i don't know. he… he just left without warning.”

i nodded against his chest, my eyes closing and my consciousness slipping.

“thank you, balthazar,” i murmured, and he massaged my scalp.

“for what?”

“you saved me.”

and i was out like a light.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm very new to writing characters with disorders, so please feel free to give me some pointers for ptsd !  
> yell at me in the comments !


	4. the winchesters, castiel, grief

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> alexander wakes up and meets sam and dean winchester, who inform him of balthazar's murder . angst insues .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes, balthazar is still dead in this one, i'm sorry :^( . and i know y'all wanted a balthazar/male character fic and it still kinda is, but ...

the spell still hadn't worn out, as i woke up alone.

i looked around, and the dream was dark and gloomy. the sky was a brooding indigo, and once i gathered my surroundings, i realised that i was falling.

i screamed, half for my mommy, half for balthazar.

“ _ PLEASE _ !” i cried, limbs flailing in urgency.

when nothing responded, i slammed my eyes shut, imagining my mother's face.

her warm features looked tired, and her eyes were shut.

“ _ mom _ ,” i whispered, and she opened her cold eyes to smile at me. soon after, she dissipated.

i opened my eyes to see two men calling to me.

“ _ WAKE UP _ !” they shouted, and i--

 

i sat up, and suddenly i was in a grungy alley.

“ _ balthazar _ .”

“...hey, kid, you alright?” one of the men from my dream asked, his voice breathy.

“where am i?” i asked, flinching when a gruffer voice responded instead.

“kansas. why'd you say ‘balthazar’?”

i wiped my eyes.

“he… he saved me. where is he? do you know him?”

“does he live around here?” the taller man asked, kind hazel eyes reassuring me of my safety.

“i don't think so…”

“where ya’ from?” the other man finally walked into my line of sight, and he was from the dream, as well.

“...brooklyn…”

“do  _ you  _ live around here?”

“no… i don't even  _ know  _ where i was…”

the two glanced at each other.

“who's balthazar?”

“he said he was an angel.”

i was unafraid of seeming crazy, as i was dreadfully lost and abandoned.

the two met eyes.

“we're gonna take you somewhere safe, alright? we'll find balthazar.”

“who are you?” i asked finally, and the hazel-eyed man smiled.

“i'm sam. this is my brother, dean. what's yours?”

“alexander.”

“okay, alex, how--” dean started.

i flinched harshly at the nickname, my mind flashing with images of my father calling me the same name.

“ _ don't _ ,” i whispered, teeth grit and hands shaking.

dean looked surprised.

“ _ alexander _ … how do burgers sound?”

at the thought of food, my body lurched, but i remembered that i hadn't eaten in days.

i nodded silently, and sam smiled.

“burgers it is.”

 

“how do you know balthazar?” dean asked once they were in the car, and i glanced up at him in the rear view.

“uhm… he's my guardian angel.”

dean slammed on the breaks and pulled into a ditch.

“ _ what _ ?”

“he's-”

“no, i heard you, but that exists?”

“...yes?”

“aw, fuck. who's our guardian then?”

sam looked up, glancing at dean.

“dude.”

the shorter man thought about it, then proceeded to get out of the car.

sam turned to me, “stay here.”

he got out, and i just sat there.

sam and dean started arguing, then dean stood, head bowed, and said something.

castiel appeared.

his eyes locked with mine, and his jaw churned.

the three piled into the car, and there was a soft silence.

“castiel?” i whispered, and he glanced at me, confused.

“hello, alexander.”

dean looked surprised.

“how do you two know each other?” he asked, and castiel glanced wearily at me.

“balthazar introduced us. he was in his care at the time.”

“so, balthazar is alive?” he asked, and castiel looked over at me.

“...no. that was very long ago.”

“how long have i been out?” i asked softly, and his expression turned grim.

“ten years.”

i felt as if my world was spinning as i fumbled for the door handle, throwing myself into the grass as my gut wretched.

“no-no-no-no-no,” i sobbed, the grass seeming so far away as i clenched it between my fingers.

castiel came to my side, awkwardly holding me as i wretched up nothing into the ground.

sam helped me through my panic attack, my breathing finally evening out like it had with--

“what  _ HAPPENED  _ to him?!” i wailed, fisting castiel’s coat lapels in my hands.

he hesitated, and dean spoke up instead.

“he was murdered.”

my mind stopped.

everything felt numb.

“i-i…” i couldn't even get any words out.

nothing felt real in that moment. everything in my life had come crashing down.

i had been tortured, abused, and assaulted for 12 years under my father's hand, and yet everything was put to peace when balthazar pulled me from that place.

and now, even after  _ everything _ that had happened to me--my mother being murdered, being tortured--nothing hurt worse than the news of balthazar--

“who did it?” i asked softly. there were no tears. i couldn't even process…

“we don't know,” dean replied, glancing at castiel, “i'm sorry.”

i whimpered, my face falling forward into my hands.

“where is he? did you bury him?”

castiel looked pained.

“no. his soul is in the empty. his body was…”

“wasn't technically his,” sam explained, “his body’s owner went to heaven, while balthazar just…”

i shook my head. i had heard enough.

“so, you did nothing. you let him die.”

castiel looked so guilty and upset as dean patted his shoulder.

“i failed you,” the angel admitted, “i'm sorry.”

there was a moment of silence.

“who are you the guardian of, castiel?” i questioned softly, and he looked up.

“i am the guardian of sam and dean winchester.”

dean looked surprised, to say the least.

“ _ WHAT _ ?”

the angel glanced at dean, who looked furious.

sam, thoroughly shocked and confused, just got back in the car.

dean ordered me back in the car, and when i turned around to glance at the pair still not in the car, they were enveloped in a heated argument.

“i'm sorry about balthazar,” sam spoke after a beat, and i shook my head.

“i don't even want to think about it.”

but even as i said that, my head was flooded with images of what he might’ve looked like, what his final words might've been.

i glanced back at castiel and dean, and they were talking quieter this time, their distance closing gradually as they spoke.

“are they together?” i asked after a moment of watching, and sam looked at me.

“you see it, too?”

“well, yeah.”

he smiled to himself, then explained, “those two are as blind as bats. everyone knows that they're in love with each other but them.”

he watched as dean and castiel looked each other up and down, then leaned forward just a touch, before dean said something, and cas pulled back.

“ _ dammit _ . i just want dean to be happy, y’know?”

i nodded, my eyes falling shut against the window as castiel climbed in beside me.

“hello.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whatcha think ¿


	5. hunt, abuse, home

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the winchesters discover a hunt and invite alexander along, leading to alexander opening up about his abuse and his mother's passing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> descriptions of abuse and rape !!!!!
> 
> hi ! i've been posting these all night because i'm finished with the story, i just need to post them now and not forget !

after that day, i became a hunter alongside sam and dean, who taught me their ways and how to fight.

“just remember,” sam had told me first day of training, “the monster will always try and go for your weak spots. they'll find your deepest insecurities and secrets and try to make you crumble; just remember to  _ never  _ listen, alright?”

i had merely nodded, knowing full and well what he was talking about.

i had never told the brothers about my past, of what balthazar saved me from, and i never planned on them knowing.

once i knew my way around a gun, sam and dean found a case near my old neighborhood, and after a brief panic attack in my room, i agreed to go.

 

“we've got a shapeshifter on our hands, it sounds like. a wife was found being tortured by her husband, while her husband was spotted in a shopping mall not even minutes before.”

“you ready, alexander?” dean asked the rear view, and i nodded, my smile nervous.

“you'll do great.”

 

i did not.

i entered the house behind dean, his gun ready to fire.

he turned down a hallway and motioned for me to get the door.

sam was out, looking through sewage systems to try and track the monster.

i opened the door, then froze in my tracks.

there stood my father with a woman, who he was beating half to death.

i remembered my words to balthazar from years before.

_ “i can't leave,” i had the shakes again, “i can't, i can't.” _

_ “why not?” _

_ “then who will he target his anger on if it's not me?” _

_ “oh, alex…” _

_ “if it's not me, then who? he'll hurt someone else like he hurt me,”  _

and i knew what i had to do.

i grabbed him, surprising him, and hit him in the face with the butt of my gun with such force that his nose broke, and i stomped on his chest.

“stay the  _ fuck  _ away from her,” i spit.

he merely smiled.

“alex,” he croaked, eyes flashing dangerously, “you're home.”

“no…” i punched him and punched him, but he continued talking.

“do you remember our old house? when i used to lock you in the basement and use your tears as lube?” he hissed, and i pulled back the hammer, sobbing. 

“stay the  _ FUCK _ away from me,” i shouted, my finger shaking against the trigger.

“oh, you won't do it. your mommy tried to fight me, and look where she ended up.”

i shot him clean between the eyes, and watched his eyes roll back.

“alexander,” i felt a hand on my shoulder, and i screamed.

“ _ DON'T TOUCH ME _ !”

“that wasn't even a shifter,” dean whispered, and i cried and cried, the thought of my mother, dead on the floor, coming back to me.

“he fucking deserved it,” i whispered, and dean was quiet for a few minutes.

“what did he do to you?” he asked, and i stared at the blood pooling on the floor as i answered:

“he ruined me.”

 

the ride home was quiet, to say the least.

sam tried to make conversation, but dean and i ignored him, opting instead to distract ourselves with blasting music.

i thought about balthazar, about what he would think of what i did that day.

the shifter was dead, sure, but i had murdered a man who wasn't even part of the case.

when we arrived back to the bunker, we headed down the stairs. dean poured us a respective drink and sat us down at the war table, the brothers on one side, and i on the other.

“what's your story?” he asked, and i was dead silent for a good four minutes before i answered.

“uhm. when i was a kid, my father and my mother had a fight,” i began carefully, “well, actually, they were always fighting; loud, screaming matches that usually escalated into my father beating my mother, but this fight was different. they were fighting about  _ me _ .”

i took a long sip of my drink, then continued, “and when it escalated, he slapped her, came in my room, and…” i choked, remembering his hands, beating me and stomping me, “and he beat me, too.”

there was a dead silence, but i wasn't finished.

“after that fight, he stormed out of the house, and i discovered my mom lying dead, and i knew that he had killed her. her funeral was miserable, as a funeral always is, and then the next decade or so of torture began.”

they looked horrified, and i downed the rest of my drink.

“oh, it gets worse. after the funeral was held, he tied me to a chair and brow-beat me until i almost bled out. the day after that, he threw me down the stairs. then, the following day, he… well, you get the picture, but a week after her funeral, he chained me up in the basement. of course, i still loved my father, even after he had done all of this to me, because he said that he loved me, and as a kid, you always seek approval from your parents. so, he chained me up, and raped me.”

sam sat back, furious and repulsed, and i wiped the sweat from my brow.

“not pleasant, is it? he sexually, physically, and verbally abused me until balthazar stopped me from trying to kill myself. mind you, this wasn't the first time i had tried, but i think that i would have succeeded if he hadn't intervened. he took me… somewhere, and i met castiel, i passed out, awoke in a dream, fell asleep next to balthazar, i wake up and i'm falling from the sky, then i meet you two, and the rest is history.”

i stood up from the table,  quickly rushing off to my room before they could ask questions.

i thought about balthazar, about his face and smile, and about his wings.

“i'm so sorry,” i whispered to him, and he didn't answer.

i slammed the door to my room, sinking down against the wood and breaking out into a full-bodied sob.

i heard frantic knocking on my door, and i ignored it, my senses shutting off as i cried.

i knew that they would give up eventually, so when the knocking stopped, i moved to my bed, curling up under the sheets and just laying there, numb, for hours.

i heard my door open around midnight, and i didn't even have the energy to tell whoever it was to go.

“hey,” it was sam, and i felt the bed sink under his weight as he sat down, “i brought you some dinner. is chinese okay?”

“i've never had chinese food before,” i replied from under my blanket.

“uh, i guess i'll leave this here, then. if it's not good, i'll get you some burgers or something.”

he stood up to leave, and i peaked my head out.

“thank you, sam. today's just been…”

“i know. why don't you go shower? it might help you clear your head…?” he suggested, and i smiled weakly.

“thanks, i will.”

sam smiled, and with a final look at me, he left the room, leaving me to my lonesome.

after a few minutes, i took a few tentative bites into the food, and immediately fell in love. it was  _ so  _ good.

i filled my guts, and threw away the take-out trays, standing from my bed.

i gathered my clothes from my duffel that i still hadn't unpacked yet, and retired to the bathroom.

as i showered, i realized that i was nursing this warm feeling in my heart that i hadn't felt since before mom died. i felt nurtured and safe in this place, and i knew that this was going to be my home for a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> was that an okay ending ¿ shout at me below !


	6. sam, the s word, spell broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sam asks alexander a personal question, then reveals his feelings for him. smut insues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I KNOW !!! it's not balthazar, and i know it's sam but i just thought they were so cute, like honestly you could skip these last two chapters entirely and that would be a good ending but y'know ...

after a few months of living in the bunker, sam approached me with a gentle air, as he always did.   
"hey, alexander," he started, shifting on his feet, checking that the room was cleared before he continued, "i have a question."   
"hi. what's up?" i replied, looking up from my book that i had recently started, and he smiled nervously.   
"so, um... it's kind of personal, but... which way do you swing?" he asked, and i blushed, completely closing my book before leaning forward in my seat.   
"can you clarify?" i questioned, and his cheeks went up in flames.   
"oh! er--yeah, uh... are you... gay?" he clarified, and my heart started pounding, but i took a deep breath and sat back.   
"... i'd say that i'm bisexual," i answered after a long beat of silence, and he smiled.   
"oh! okay, yeah, me too, i just... i dunno. um... okay, i'm gonna--" he started walking away, and i called after him, "why'd you ask?"   
he stopped, but he didn't turn around.   
"just... curious."   
i furrowed my brows, standing and walking over to him, putting a hand on his shoulder.   
"hey, are you okay?" i asked, and he took a short breath, then nodded.   
"yeah, i'm fine. i've just got a lot of research to do..."   
"oh, can i help?" i offered, and he turned to me.   
"uh, yeah, sure," he replied, and i noticed that his face was still pink, but i didn't comment on it.   
i followed him as he headed into the library and started pulling books from the shelves that were based around ancient legends around the loch ness monster.   
"what's the case?" i questioned, and he turned his laptop to face me, showing me a clipping from an article on people going into a lake and disappearing, and locals saying that they would hear strange, unearthly grumbles and sounds at night, 'almost like an alien,' one person said.   
i looked up at him, and i realized that he had been talking the entire time, but it was fast, quiet, and very timid.   
"sam."   
he stopped talking, and i closed the laptop.   
"are you okay?" i asked for a second time, my anxiety creeping up on me as i wondered what could be wrong.   
at that moment, his face reminded me of my late mother, merely weeks before she was...   
"yeah, yeah, i'm fine. why do you keep asking that?" his response was immediately on the defensive.   
"is there something going on? do i need to talk to dean--?"   
"dammit, no! don't talk to dean! i just..." he huffed, rubbing his hands over his eyes as he stood from the table, walking over to the bookcase.   
i waited for him to finish, knowing that patience was always key when dealing with someone going through a lot.   
i would know.   
"i just... i'm worried."   
"about what? i'm probably worried about it, too," i responded, standing as well.   
"i'm worried in general, really," he expressed, turning back to me, "i'm worried about dean, i'm worried about cas, i'm worried about  _ you _ ..."   
it was the small catch of breath before he mentioned me that made my heart beat faster. i knew that he was hiding something, but i couldn't flat out ask him, so...   
"i'm worried about you guys, too. after dean got the mark, he fucked off with crowley, then he just comes back, figuring everyone's just gonna be cool with him being a demon?"   
"exactly! i'm glad he's back and all, but he's still hurting, and i can tell, but he won't talk about it, because he hates, ' _ chick-flick moments _ .'"   
"well, you're hurting too," i replied softly, and he paused, glancing up at me, before he sat down at the table.   
"i don't want to talk about that. i'm not important."   
"bullshit. you're  _ just _ as important. you're acting just like dean! you're closing off, and won't let anyone love you!"   
there was a tense silence for a few moments while i realized what i had said, but it was too late.   
"you love dean?" he asked, slumping in his chair.   
" _ that's _ what you took from that? of course i love dean! i love all of you! i have been  _ bent _ ,  _ broken _ , and  _ used _ all my life, and you three gave me a  _ home, _ gave me a  _ family _ ! and now you're both closing yourselves away from me. the last time i did that, i tried to kill myself. do you know what i would do if anything like that happened to you? and i'm not even talking all three of you anymore, i'm talking about  _ you _ , sam winchester. do  _ you _ know what i would do?"   
he sat in appalled silence.   
"do you remember how i reacted when i found out what had happened to balthazar?"   
he nodded.   
"it would be millions of times worse than that. if you tried to kill yourself, or did kill yourself, i would have nothing left to fight for. you've given me something to  _ live _ for. it has been so goddamn hard for me to open myself to all of you, to learn how to trust another human being, to relearn how to  _ love _ ," my voice broke, but i continued, "and i've done it all, for  _ you _ . for  _ dean _ . for  _ cas _ . for  _ all _ of you. because i  _ love _ you, sam winchester. very,  _ very _ much, and it would fucking  _ kill _ me to see you fall as low as i did."   
after my speech, there was a long silence.   
he couldn't even formulate a response.   
"i'm sorry," he replied, and i pulled him into my arms as he stood up.   
he started crying, and i comforted him silently.   
the last time i had been that open with him was when i told the boys about what had gone on in my past; the day i had a real look at sam's softer side.   
i pressed a kiss to his temple, rubbing his back softly. he stayed in my embrace for what seemed like hours, though it was probably only a few minutes.   
"why don't we continue that research?" i asked softly, and he pulled back, wiping his eyes and smiling softly.   
"yeah, okay. loch ness monster," he chuckled, "fun."   
i sat back down, opening a book and beginning my research.   
he reopened his laptop, shifted in his seat, and began to search for anything useful for hunting a monster previously thought to not exist.   
we were researching for an hour or two, the conversations light and sporadic, before there was a still silence.   
we stopped what we were doing, our eyes meeting over sam's laptop.   
"why did you ask me that?"   
"what do you mean?" he asked in reply, and i responded, "i mean when you asked me if i was gay.  _ why _ ?"   
he paused, thinking over his options for a while, before answering.   
"because i'm in love with you," he admitted, and my heart sped up, tears coming to my eyes.   
we stood from our chairs, and he came around the table, taking my hands and staring me straight in the eye.   
"i love you.  _ so _ much. i want to take you on dates, i want to take you to see the world; i want to do  _ everything _ with you."   
i was speechless. i had never imagined that someone could love me after balthazar died, never imagined that someone like sam fucking winchester could fall in love with me.   
"i love you, too.  _ goddammit _ , sam winchester, i love you, too," i sobbed, and he whispered his lips over mine before i pressed back.   
his lips were surprisingly soft, nothing like...   
i pulled back, getting a shiver of disgust running down my spine.   
"what's wrong?" he asked.   
"i just... i've never kissed anyone besides my..."   
" _ oh my god _ , i'm  _ so _ sorry, it totally just slipped--"   
"no, it's okay, i just... i'm going to need time. i love you, and i want this to work."   
sam smiled a teary smile, "i do, too."   
  
the first week or so was an awkward dance of shy kisses and cuddles in sam's or my room.   
then, when my brain stopped supplying images of my abuse to when sam tried to kiss me, i decided to test the waters.   
we were laying on his bed, talking about everything and nothing. sam was smiling and holding me around my waist, looking so genuinely happy that it made my heart burst.   
"do you think we'll ever tell dean?" i asked, and he shrugged.   
"probably. he might find out first, though."   
i blushed, kissing him.   
his hand cupped my cheek gently, turning his head as he deepened the kiss.   
i moved my hand to the back of his head, complying as he moved me onto my back.   
i spread my legs so he could lie in-between them, his legs intertwining with mine. his lips trailed down to my jaw, and i felt my heart start to race.   
they moved down my neck, to my collarbones, and looked up at me to confirm whether what he was doing was okay.   
"yeah, yeah, go ahead," i breathed, my hands desperately trying to stop shaking.   
"alexander, what's your safe word? you can use it at any time while we do this," he asked, his voice so truly concerned and willing to make it perfect for me.   
"uhm. stop. thank you, sam," i murmured, and he pressed a quick kiss to my lips.   
"so, continue?" he asked, and i breathed out a shaky breath, then nodded.   
he pulled my shirt over my head, keeping a careful watch on my expressions before he continued.   
he trailed his lips down my torso, making me shiver and shake. he looked slightly concerned, but he saw my half-lidded eyes and knew that he was doing something right.   
he pulled back, taking his own shirt off before he kissed my lips once again, my hands climbing to his back.   
he was toned and firm, a tanned god, while i was just thin, frail, and broken. but sam didn't seem to feel that way.   
he took my hand, kissing each finger and every knuckle.   
"you're so beautiful," he murmured, placing kisses all the way up that arm, kissing each scar along the way.   
i felt tears welling in my eyes as he practically worshipped me. i had never had anything like this before. the only experience with sex i'd ever had was when my dad would rape me and call me faggot.   
i shivered, watching him do it all the way up the other arm before he reached my face.   
"beautiful," he breathed, and i kissed him, my arms folding around his neck.   
he ghosted his hands down my ribs, placing them on my hips.   
he placed his thumbs in the pockets of my sweats, not making any moves to show that he wanted them off.   
"i love you," i said once he pulled back for air, and he grinned.   
"i love you, too."   
he pressed his hips to mine with a questioning look at me, and i nodded as he began a slow grind.   
he kept the pacing steady, knowing that he could spook me if he went too fast.   
i lifted my hips to meet his, my cock already at half-mast. he was kissing me, his tongue like poetry against mine, and i moaned softly.   
"faster; i can take it," i whispered, and he nodded, his thrusts picking up speed.   
soon, we were rutting against each other, the friction too much but not enough at the same time.   
he was moaning into my mouth, ignoring how the bed squeaked as we went faster and faster--   
"sam," i made out, "oh, fuck, i'm gonna--"   
he nodded.   
"me too," his voice was strained, and i scratched down his back, my head throwing back as i orgasmed, my vision going white.   
in the back of my mind, i heard sam shout, slumping against me as i came down from my high.   
he looked at me with half-lidded eyes, and i blushed.   
"you're so beautiful when you cum."   
i laughed, brushing his hair back.   
"i've never actually..."   
"well, was it a good first?" he asked, knowing exactly why i had never done that before.   
"yes, yes it was."   
he kissed me, and i smiled into the kiss, wanting to live in this moment forever.   
sam had finally broken me from the spell.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ¿¿¿


	7. bonus scene ! : the end, cuddling, sweetness

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sam and alexander are cuddling on the couch when dean walks in.
> 
> in third person !

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm kinda sad it's over, but hey, stick around; maybe i'll post some more random scenes .
> 
> unadulterated fluff beware .

alexander and sam had been cuddling on the couch when alexander fell asleep, sam's arms wrapped around him as he kept watch over him.   
the door opened.   
dean walked in, already poised to say something, then he spotted the two.   
"i  _ knew _ it!" he whispered, walking over and handing them an extra blanket.   
" _ wait _ , you're not mad?" sam asked quietly, and dean smiled.   
"what's there to be mad about? if anything, i'm mad you didn't tell me."   
sam smiled.   
"dean, if  _ i'm _ happy, i need  _ you _ to be happy, too."   
the elder brother looked confused.   
"what are you talking about?"   
"tell him. he's  _ so _ madly in love with you, but you just can't see it, for some reason."   
dean blushed.   
"cas doesn't feel that way..."   
"i didn't even say cas. just do it, dean. you won't regret it."   
dean nodded, smiling.   
"okay. okay, i will. you better fucking marry alexander or i'll kick your ass," he said, walking out of the room.   
sam grinned, pressing a soft kiss to the side of alexander's neck.   
"i love you."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> did you like it ? lemme know !

**Author's Note:**

> whatcha think ? lemme know in the comments ! updates coming soon !


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